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MY MUM TAUGHT ME

My mum taught me everything I know.

She taught me about time travel.
“If you don’t sit up straight I am going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

She taught me about logic.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

She taught me irony.
“You keep on crying and I will soon give you something to cry about.”

She taught me contortionism.
“Look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”

She taught me stamina.
“You are not getting up from that table till every bit of that spinach is gone.”

She taught me hypocrisy.
“If I have told you once, I have told you a thousand times. Don’t exaggerate!”

She taught me about anticipation.
“Just wait till I get you home!”

She taught me humour
“When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me!”.

THE CAR THIEF A WARNING

CarThiefNEW-400

It was just too easy.

CarThiefNEW__2_-400

Under a serious exterior

CarThiefNEW__4_-400

“Hey, no hands!”

CarThiefNEW__6_-400

“No hands and no feet!”

CarThiefNEW__8_-400

This is going too far...

CarThiefNEW__1_-400

He looked respectable...but

CarThiefNEW__3_-400

...was a real nutter!

CarThiefNEW__5_-400

“No feet!”

CarThiefNEW__7_-400

John signs the bonnet.

CarThiefNEW__9_-400

“Don’t steal cars, kids!”

INTELLIGENCE TEST

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.

First Question

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question.

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question

If you overtake the last person, then you are........?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this! Are you?

Third Question

Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Answer: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Fourth Question

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.

What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

Okay, now the bonus round:

Bonus Question

There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Answer: He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

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CONUNDRUM CHALLENGE

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose among three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!
 
Answers
1. The room full of Lions because they haven't eaten in 3 years....they are dead!
2. The woman is a photographer.
3. Freeze the jugs of water, then you can tell.
4. Charcoal.
5. Yesterday, today and tomorrow.
6. There is no letter ‘e’ in the paragraph.

WHO IS THIS?

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GENERAL KNOWLEDGE

1. There's one "sport" in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only 2 can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only 2 perennial vegetables?

4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?

5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

6. In many superstores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

7. Only 3 words in Standard English begin with the letters "dw." They are all common. Name two of them.

8. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?

9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers?"

10. There are 7 ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls-a walk-is one way. Name the other 6.

11. It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?

12. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter "S."
 
Answers
1. Boxing.
2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.
3. Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. Baseball.
5. Strawberry.
6. The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
7. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.
8. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets,
parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
9. In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west.
10. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.
11. Lettuce.
12. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

WHO IS THIS?

disguise3 (2)-400
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 Who? See here

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WHAT’S A TEENAGER?

Adolescence is when you start to ask the questions you think no-one else has ever asked. You think you’re near the end, but as you turn the corner you see there’s such a long way to go.

When you’re a teenager, to most you’re just a child. But on the Internet you are judged on what you say and it is there that your true personality comes through.

A  teenager is protected from the harsh realities of responsibility.

My feelings and actions haven’t changed, only how I interpret them. As a child it was enough to just live, now I like to control my life.

The truth is that most of us are not miniature Eminems, who have a lust for rebellion and an attitude of not caring for anything but ourselves – most of us are pretty good guys.

Under that black hood and spots is a real person, with opinions, feelings and a life. This is the fulcrum where it is up to us to define who we are for the rest of our lives. Do we work hard and prepare for the future? Or do we live for the moment and not worry about what tomorrow brings?

Teenage years are the time when we realise that we are neither a beautiful and unique snowflake, nor just a small insignificant cog in the huge machine that is the earth. We are one among many but we have our own contribution to make.

Being a teenager is about finding our place in life, finding out who we are, what’s right and wrong. It’s all a learning curve. It’s just some of us get lost on the way.

Each and every one of us wants to be accepted for who we are, even if we are not sure of who we are yet.

Just remember that all teenagers want independence but it is the parents’ job to limit the amount they give us.

Although you are often underestimated in your intelligence, and over-estimated in your maturity, you see yourself as an adult, and strive to gain access to films you are not allowed to see.

In my view, all teenagers need is a purpose, something to fight against, and then we’re happy.

Teenagers have to strive to find a balance between acceptance and individuality, which takes much courage and sacrifice.

PUZZLING QUESTIONS

Answers appear after every following question.
 
Which 4-letter word links all of these?
SHOT TEETH SKIN BEAN THORN

Peter and Mary run a 100 yard race and Peter beats Mary by 10 yards. They run again at the same speeds but now Peter begins 10 yards behind Mary who goes in front. Who wins now?

Buck

Can you complete the sequence of numbers, replacing the question mark? 1, 3, 5, 7, 8, 9, 10, ?

Peter wins again. Peter runs 100 yards to Mary’ 90 so they will be tied when Mary has run 90. Since Peter runs faster than Mary, Peter will run the last 10 yards faster than Mary and so will win.

Can you make eight eights add up to 1000?

11. The numbers, when written, contain the letter E.

Oxymorons are sayings composed of two words which have opposite meanings. For example, Definitely maybe. Can you pair the following words into oxymorons?
INTENSE HOLIDAY MINOR DIFFERENCE EVEN CRISIS WORKING ODDS SAME APATHY

888 + 88 + 8 + 8 + = 1000

How many squares are on half a chess board?

Intense apathy Working holiday Minor crisis Same Difference Even odds

Can you change COLD into HEAT in 4 moves changing one letter at a time?

70 squares

If you write ten letters and place them in envelopes at random, how many letters on average would end up in the right envelopes?

COLD HOLD HELD HEAD HEAT

A man who is dumb goes to the opera one evening. He finds his seat in the stalls and waits for the opera to begin. When the opera commences he really enjoys the music and afterwards goes home and tells his sister all about it. How is this possible?

One. It is far more likely that one will end up in the correct envelope than all ten will be in the wrong envelopes.

He hears perfectly. He uses sign language with his sister!

 

KELSTON HILL

Kelston Hill is just outside Bath, to the north west. It’s not far from Bath Racecourse.

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Kelston_Hilla__3_-400 Kelston_Hilla__5_-400
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THE IDLE TOAD LUCAS C

"I'm bored" muttered the boy to his brain.

"Really?" replied the brain somewhat indignantly. "Why is that?"

 Pondering on the exact reason for his boredom, and after careful deliberation, he reached his conclusion.

"Dunno, just am. Nuttin’ to do, I guess."

 The brain, somewhat taken aback by this statement, returned fire at this impetuous youth.

 "Nuttin’ to do? What do you mean ‘nuttin’ to do’? There’s plenty of things to be done. For example, you can, erm... practise your times tables."

 "Yeah, but they're boring, aren’t they?" replied the child in disgust.

 "Ok", pondered the brain. "Why are they so terribly boring?"

 "Dunno. They're just not exciting, so they must be boring."

 If it were possible for a brain to raise its eyes heavenward, the brain would have done so. But instead it attempted yet again to get this idle youth motivated.

 "So you want to do something exciting, eh? Why don't you draw a picture?"

 "Don't feel like it" said the child mopishly.

 "Reading?" suggested the lobeal entity.

 "Nah."

 "Singing?"

 "Can't.

 "Erm, how about..."

 "No, boring."

 "Ok, you try and find something fun to do, then!" growled the brain.

 "I'm too bored. I can't think of anything. Life’s sooo boring!"

 "Ok" sighed the brain, "What’s on T.V.?"

 "Dunno. Let’s see."

 "Anything good?" asked the brain.

 "Wha?"

 The one-eyed monster stared at the child, held in its hypnotic gaze, as images played on its glowing eye.

 "They always come back to me" whispered the television.

THE OLDER GENERATION STILL ALIVE?

Just how are you older people still alive when...
  
Your baby cot was covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked?

You had no childproof lids on medicine?

When you rode your bike without a helmet?

When you rode in packs of 7 and wore your coats by the hood only?

You rode in cars with no seat belts or air bags?

You drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same?

You drank fizzy drink with sugar in it, but were never overweight because you were always outside playing with friends?

You would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out you forgot to make any brakes? After running into stinging nettles a few times you learned to solve the problem.

You would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as you were back before it got dark? No one was able to reach you all day and no one minded.

You did not have Playstations or xBoxes; no video games at all?

No 299 channels on TV, no DVD films, no surround sound, no mobile  phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms?

In fact...

You had friends - you went outside and found  more of them.

You played conkers and sometimes that really hurt. But you went on doing it.

You fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. You learnt not to do the same thing again.

You walked to friends’ homes. You also walked to school.

You made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and although you were told it would happen, you did not gouge many eyes out nor did the live stuff live inside you forever.

You had freedom, failure, success and responsibility; and learned how to deal with it all.

Maybe I should be old...

TECHNO HIGH SCHOOL

CLUB MAGAZINE

QUICK LIST

 

 My Mum Taught Me

 

 

 The Car Thief

 

 

 Intelligence Test

 

 

 Riddles Challenge

 

 

 Who is This?

 

 

 Letters and Numbers

 

 

 Hollywood Teaches

 

 

 Spot the Difference

 

 

 Conundrum Challenge

 

 

 Kelston Flags

 

 

 General Knowledge

 

 

 Bystanders

 

 

 Auntie Caroline

 

 

 The Bullet

 

 

 What’s A Teenager?

 

 

 The Moment

 

 

 Puzzling Questions

 

 

 Kelston Hill

 

 

 The Idle Toad

 

 

 The Older Generation

 

 

 London Bridges

 

 

 Techno High School

 

 

 Classified Ads

 

 

 Snail Tale

 

 

 Countdown

 

 

 Recommended Reading

 

 

 Burning Snow

 

 

 Twelve Angry Men

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WHO IS THIS?

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Apparition-400

HOLLYWOOD TEACHES

That it’s always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

That a detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

That if you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

That most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilisation.

That it doesn’t matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

That when a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

That no one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into a state of shock.

That police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

That if you are in the vicinity of a fire, there won't be an explosion until you start moving away.

That when they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

That you can always find a chain saw when you need one.

That any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

That an electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur, will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

That television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

 

KELSTON FLAGS

Roll over photo to find out which country’s flag.

australia2
austria
brazil
colombia
cote_d_ivoire
croatia2
england
euroflags-400
european_union
france
germany
hungary
scotland
south_africa
united_kingdom
united_states

THE BYSTANDERS

Simple statements, called ‘Bystanders’, recorded as uttered.

St*f*n H
The Big Bang has been around since I was at school.

M*rk F
I often write on my hand when I don’t have a pen.

R*ry L
He gave me a strange look with his teeth.

*l*v*r P
There was a forest fire on the beach.

P*t F
It should be written down for future prosperity.

Cl*ff C
He’s the second richest man in England, after the Queen.

Tr*st*n S
No-one’s ever heard of him, but he’s really famous.

C*l*m M
I am a master of all trades and a jack of none.
F*my *
I know - he is coming to give a talk on the iron block.

AUNTIE CAROLINE

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Former Kelstonians have paid for the renovation of the grave of Auntie Caroline in MordenCemetery. Our fondly-remembered neighbour died on March 13th, 1986 at the age of 94. She did much for Kelston and was a good friend of St Josemaria.

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a_Auntiea__4_-400

THE BYSTANDERS

J*v**r P
They were laughing each other’s heads off.

M*k* M
We could do an American film; you know - G’day, Bruce.

*d*m P
I think we scored most of our goals.

Cl*ff C
The tea lady goes round with a coffee machine.

J*s*ph M
And then the clock struck 5.40.

D*m S
Is she the one who plays two pianos with one hand?

*d*m F
I had a dream ten minutes before I went to sleep.

M*k* M
Parents should be able to decide the age of their children.

T*ny C
If I were going to Africa, I’d have my whole head shaved off.

F*l*x M
How often is Business Week published?
 

THE BULLET RONAN M

Anxiety build up,
A flash in my mind.
My body implodes,
Then it leaves me.

My flesh torn,
My senses buzzing.
Muscles tense,
My brain on autopilot.

My body switches off
And is pulled to the ground.
Like the gravity of the sun
My joints collapse.

I feel the numb slap from the floor,
And my fingers feel the dents in the pavement.
I turn my head to the light,
But I can’t focus.

I start feeling cold and strangely damp.
As I feel the flow of blood I start to panic.
My screams wail out like a little girl.
I try and pick myself up unsuccessfully.

My calls are answered by a tall shadow,
And my eyelids are dragged down.
It’s too much effort to move them.
He puts pressure on my wound. I have to trust him.

A group huddle around me,
And many blankets are put on me.
People communicate,
But the words are too distant.

And my mind starts to wander,
About soft yellow beaches and blue waters,
Which drowned my pain away.
I manage a faint smile.

Till I was jolted up into a vehicle.
I felt tired and knew I was going.
I was floating in a dream world.
I was too comfy to move.

 

WHO IS THIS?

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THE BYSTANDERS

Ch*rl** S
I can’t believe I’m hearing my ears.

J*n D
Beethoven was deaf for the third half of his life.

***n M
In the Spanish Civil War they fought against France, didn’t they?

T*m P
I’ve got 50p made up of twenties.

J*hn C
Every time I go to sleep I always wake up.

D*r*gh M
We had better go separately in pairs.

Chri*s D
He was a naval officer in the German army.

P*t*r D
There is no direct connection between computer games and computers.

*l*x *h F
My feelings are mutual.

J*r*my T
Now it’s time for my one and only two tunes on the piano.

D*ll*s W
I’m not giving any signed autographs.

M*ch**l G
It wasn’t me. It was him as well.

Ch*ps P
The top two in the league go down.

M*rk C
The Liberal Democrats have no experience of being a political party.

J*hn M
I pulled my socks all the way up to my ankles.

M*ch**l G
I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it.

Cl*ff C
I reached another landmine in my life today.

G*r*ld Q
What size feet do you take?

J*t* O
It is very cold here - even the sun is cold.

P**l B
It was all the colours of the alphabet.

T*m G
Nowadays most telegraph poles are underground.

J*v**r P
I wasn’t thinking - only talking.

LONDON BRIDGES

The marvellous Mark Raggett paintings in the stairwell of Kelston. Roll over the images to see where it is after you guess.

albert bridge
battersea bridge
battersea bridge2
gherkin
golden jubilee bridge

CLASSIFIED ADS

FOR SALE
Pot Noodle. Only used once. 1 ono. Phone T. Esco 010342 879 467

FOR SALE
Unique collection of road signs: Brighton 25m; Brighton 15m; Brighton 10m; Brighton 5m; Welcome to Brighton. Phone Trevor 010256 348 567

RIDDLES CHALLENGE

1) What is never full and never empty?

2) What gets wetter the more it dries?

3) A man is travelling towards the centre of a field and he knows that when he gets there he is going to die. Why?

4) What goes into thorns and does not get hurt, and goes into water but never gets wet?

5) You have a chicken, a fox and a bag of grain and you need to take them to the other side of the river. You have a boat, but it can only carry one thing at a time. How do you get everything to the other side without leaving the chicken to eat the grain or the fox to eat the chicken?
 
 
Answers
1) A hole. 2) A towel. 3) He is doing a parachute jump but his parachute didn’t open. 4) Sunlight. 5) Take the chicken, go back alone, take the fox, go back with the chicken, take the grain, go back alone, take the chicken. 6) Cross the road and get run over. They take you to the hospital, then to the church for your funeral, then to the cemetery to bury you.

LETTERS & NUMBERS

The letters on each line are the initials of words. Can you work out what they are?
 
Example
26 = L in the A
letters in the alphabet

7 = W of the W

5 = T on a F

12 = M of the Y

1964 = Y K was F

13 = S on the A F

24 = H in a D

18 = H on a G C

54 = C in a D (with the J)

8 = B in a B

1 = W on a U

1966 = E W the W C

11 = P on a FT

29 = D in F in a L Y

64 = S on a C B

15 = M on a D M C

360 = D in a C

20,000 = LU the S

366 = D in a L Y

6 = W of H the E

60 = S in a M

12 = I in a F

39 = S

30 = M in a H H

15 = P in a R T

6 = S on a D

13 = L in a B D

7 = C of the R

52 = W in a Y

9 = L of a C

1,000 = Y in a M
 
 
 


7 = wonders of the world; 5 = toes on a foot; 12 = months of the year; 1964 = year Kelston was founded; 13 = stripes on the American flag; 24 = hours in a day; 18 = holes on a golf course; 54 = cards in a deck (with the joker); 9 = planets in the solar system; 8 = bits in a byte; 1 = wheel on a unicycle; 159 = address of Kelston; 1966 = England won the world cup; 11 = players on a football team; 29 = days in February in a leap year; 64 = squares on a chess board; 15 = men on a dead mans chest; 360 = degrees in a circle; 20,000 = leagues under the sea; 366 = days in a leap year; 6 = wives of Henry the Eighth; 60 = seconds in a minute; 12 = inches in a foot; 39 = steps; 30 = minutes in a half hour; 15 = players in a rugby team; 6 = sides on a die; 13 = loaves in a bakers dozen; 7 = colours of the rainbow; 52 = weeks in a year; 9 = lives of a cat; 1,000 = years in a millennium.
 

 

KELSTON FLAGS

iceland
ireland
italy
madagascar
mauritius
nigeria
palestine
philippines
poland
romania
royal_navy2
slovakia
spain
uruguay

THE BYSTANDERS

S*m P
I have a mistake to make

Chr*s C
They still haven’t taken away the army’s right to kill people.

Chr*s D
People would fall over backwards to teach First Aid.

J*v**r P
He drinks tea like a camel

M*rt*n T
It’s anonymous, and you can’t tell who it’s from.

J*hn C
My brother likes to be alone with his friends.

CH*D* O
Even if your head is chopped off you can still talk.

F*rg*l D
I’m not lost; I just don’t know where I am.

F*rg*l D
You can cook something without heating it.

T*m P
There’s a hole in my tennis racquet.

Chr*s D
He could talk the legs of a hind donkey.

D*n**l C
He’s standing there like a sitting duck.

P*t K
He was a complete stranger he didn’t even know.

P*t N
I nearly drowned my fish.

N**l P
Let me put you in the background over this.

P*t K
I was nearly stopped on the bike by the police for carrying a pedestrian.

Cl*ff C
At Kelston we have been building up a library of books.

Chr*s C
Army boots: you polish them until you can comb your hair in them.

*d*m F
The first ever football game for computer was Super Kick-off 2.

disguise2-400

THE BYSTANDERS

R*ch*rd T
The weather here is a bit intermittent.

N*ck K
Why not empty the tank to fit more of the cheaper petrol in?

S*m*n D
There’ll be whole generations where there’s no one alive.

Ch*ps P
It was 18 for a standing seat.

L*K* D
The pint glasses in Germany are huge!

J** M
It shows the right time; it’s just that it‘s one hour ahead.

M*ch**l M
I have driven my dad’s steering wheel down the road.

J*m*s *
We should have brought some portable teabags to Spain.

S*m P
It was the same recipe but with different ingredients.

D*nch* A
My brother read Lord of the Rings in 50 hours over 2 days.

D*m B
I was wearing bare feet.

St*ph*n T
If you hadn’t taken away my plate I would have been able to eat it.

Chr*s D
Observe the noise of the birds.

D*m B
I didn’t listen to the questions; I just wrote down the answers...

M*rt*n T
The last time we won Euro 96 was...er...oops!

*ndr*w M
Which middle table?

Ch*rl** S
I was talking in the fourth person. Ch*ps - Which tense is that?

Cl*ff C
And there was a man with a blind dog.

J*nny P
You’re stereotyping typical music.

S*m P
’You’re looking pensive’. - No;I’m just thinking.

R*ry W
Most things are inaudible when you hear them for the first time.

G**rg* T
Would you ever admit to someone that you had committed suicide?

Cl*ff C
He couldn’t get a train because there were road works.

P**l D
MPs can’t speak until they’ve made their maiden speech..
 

THE MOMENT

Wtc_collapse-400

THE BYSTANDERS

J*hn M
My brother bought his wife an engagement bracelet.

Cl*ff C
The little things still need to be in place - for instance, the walls...

*d*m F
In German pubs they sell beer.

D*m*n M
But I was playing as a team!

*l*v*r P
He disappeared from nowhere!

Cl*ff C
I never realised the front wheel went all the way round.

P*t K
I am an ancestor of a king of Ireland.

L*k* D
I’ve done it. But it still needs to be thought up and typed.

P**l S
The pilot is always the last to abandon ship.

F*m* *
Come on lads, there’s washing on going up.

T*m G
I just feel like a goldfish in a cage.

M*rk C
My brother and sister have mobile phones on a contract which costs 15 a month and gives you 50 hours of free calls each evening.

J** M
He’s just left ages ago.

Cl*ff C
The written word is more influential than the visual word.

*d N
When you are asleep you are a bit dozy.

D*r*gh M
I keep laughing with my mouth open.

Cl*r*nc* T
He fell out of his parachute.

P*t*r D
All you have said has been a packet of lies.

*ndr*w C
They offer you free meals - but you have to pay for the food.

W*ll**m M
I can cook toast and cereal.

S*m P
Is this a birth mark? I got it a few months ago.

M*ch**l D
Reading is not difficult. You just add two and two together.

 

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hungerford bridge
millennium bridge
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waterloo bridge
waterloo bridge2

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WANTED

Experienced cat-burglar. Non-smoker preferred. Must have own car and alibi. Also must have good social skills. Meet Tristan in the Old Ship, Bethnal Green.

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SNAIL TALE

There were three snails and they all slid into a cafe. The father snail asked the waiter for three chocolate milkshakes. Before they were given the milkshakes the waiter gave them the bill.

 The father snail went to take his wallet out when he discovered that he had left it at home. He told the baby snail to go home and fetch his wallet. So baby set out on his journey.

 Two days later the father and mother snail were still waiting in the cafe for the baby snail to come back.

 Finally, father snail said to mother snail, “Do you think we ought to drink baby snail’s milkshake before it goes off?” Then a little voice cried out nearby, “Hey, that’s not fair! I haven’t even got to the door yet!”

RECOMMENDED READING

A recommended selection of classics to read, grouped into three stages appropriate to age. This has been complied by Cliff C and Tim G and is just a guideline for those who wish to read more from works which have stood the test of time.

Stage 1 (14 year olds)
Stage 2 (16 year olds)
Stage 3 (18 year olds)

Stage 1
Robinson Crusoe, Daniel Defoe

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain

Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll

Father Brown Stories, G K Chesterton

The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, Arthur Conan Doyle

Stage 2
Confessions, St Augustine

Persuasion, Jane Austen

Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte

WutheringHeights, Emily Bronte

The 39 Steps, John Buchan

Stage 3
De Bello Civile, Caesar

The Moonstone, Wilkie Collins

The Divine Comedy, Dante

Middlemarch, George Eliot

Murder in the Cathedral, T S Eliot

Robinson_20Crusoe-400

 See Full List

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1000-piece jigsaw puzzle of Battersea Power Station. Phone Phoebe 069087 654 321

WANTED

Friends

WANTED

Des O’Connor. Phone Marge 07076 678 3874

LOST

Invisibility Cloak

Thanks to Jonny P and Michael B

WHO IS THIS?

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THE DEBATE
BURNING SNOW
Cliff C

globalwarming__6_-400

Let’s see if we can get a handle on why precisely the issue of global warming and climate change has come so much to the fore in recent years. Without having to pass a judgment on what is being claimed, perhaps we can get a better understanding on where so many scientists and politicians are coming from.

 Read more

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FOR SALE

1 small schoolboy. House-trained. Proficient in piano-tuning and origami. Speaks four languages (not English). Tel. 02007 678 5673

WANTED

Can anyone contribute to my collection of Pokemon cards? Missing Onix and Geodude (someone mugged me and stole them). Ring Gordon at No 10.

WANTED

We are looking for out-going, ambitious and extrovert employees for a new and exciting venture. Contact Derek at Peckham Needlework Guild.

COUNTDOWN

1) Countdown letters game.

Try to make the longest word you can using the following nine letters. Proper nouns, hyphenated words and foreign words are not allowed.

R F E N E O S V C

2) Countdown numbers game.

Try to get as close as you can to the target using the six numbers. You don’t have to use all the numbers. You can’t use the same number more than once. Only +, -, x, and allowed.

50, 100, 1, 7, 8, 2 Target = 589

Answers
1) fencers
2) 589=1+
    (100-(8x2))x7

TWELVE ANGRY MEN

Film Review Pablo H

12 Angry Men is one of the finest suspense films I have ever seen. Tightly wound, unpredictable and densely atmospheric, Sidney Lumet's debut is a milestone in minimalist filmmaking.

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Copyright (c) 2017.  Kelston Club & Study Centre. All rights reserved. Updated Sep 14 2017